Fireworks

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I thought I’d finally write a post about fireworks and the 4th of July since this holiday has meaning.  Not really to me, yes I am American, but it’s like Christmas for two particular people I once knew.  I don’t know why, but this song, “You’ve Passed,” by Neutral Milk Hotel came to my mind for this post, so I hope you enjoy it.

This post is for you, Thom and B.  You guys probably thought I forgot the 4th of July and fireworks had any meaning to the both of you.  Well, you would be surprised.  The sound of fireworks comfort me, because I think of those I once knew.  B, if you could see me now, I’m a different person.  I think about you from time to time.  Remembering this is your 2nd Christmas.  Wanting your ashes one day to be thrown up in the air with the orchestra of fireworks.  Remembering you always calling me, “girly.”  “It’ll be alright, girly.”

Thom, you’re a celebrity of my blog.  It’ll be 5 years in November, November 2nd you’ve passed, but this is the 4th year without you for The 4th.  I didn’t know you loved fireworks and that this holiday was the time of year for you.  I learned it after you passed, but it’s stuck with me ever since.  The sounds of fireworks, seeing them light up the sky, I get teary-eyed, knowing that you’re watching them too.

I don’t think anyone cares, but I still have your picture. The original picture from your Celebration of Life (prayer-type card) that I carried out with me that night.  You have been everywhere with me.  I got you on my nightstand with a tea light (sorry, it’s a battery-powered one) that I light every night now.  I used to have you in my mirror corner, but I received guidance to place you next to my Bible and I put you up against my aloe vera plant.  I hope you don’t mind.  The aloe plant seems to be thriving.   I used to light the candle the second of each month, but as of recent, I light it every evening.   I know you love the light, so I got it glowing in front of you.  When it’s a holiday, like today, July 4th, I have that tea light glowing all day.  In honor, in memory, in being immortal.

(Good thing I stocked up on tea light candles).

Even if I can’t see the beautiful display of fireworks, just hearing them, I think of you two.  It comforts me knowing that you’re with me in heart and spirit.

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3G

*Disclaimer* This post will contain some explicit language and drug content (and maybe some fantasy/revenge violence), but I hope it will make you laugh, make you cry, make you cringe, make you shiver, make you….you know what? Just read the damn story…

But..let’s try to Keep it Mello…(I found it to be an appropriate song for this piece)

Once upon a time, in a New Jersey apartment building there lived a young woman who just wanted to live in peace and sleep.  Sleep…what wonders it will do for someone…but one day, near the 4th of July in 2017, a young couple moved in.  They were…3G…

Picture me (the writer, the author of this piece), staring down (or out across towards a window, because my apartment is L-shaped) like the evil step-mother or evil queen or wait why do they even have to be evil? Anyways, you get what I mean.  So I’m staring out my window at 3G…checking anxiously to see if that fucking kitchen light was left on all day again or if those fucking living room lights are on.  If those living room lights are on, then shit is going down.

When they first moved in, I should’ve known it was an omen of what was to come.  I’d be getting ready for work and I’d hear music in my bedroom coming from next door.  I thought maybe they’re exercising?  But…blasting music at like 7:30 am?  Kinda rude.  I even heard it in the hallway when I’d leave and lock my door.  But…I just shook it off.

I saw the young guy from 3G one evening when I went to get my laundry in the basement.  One look at him and I could see the Devil.  Okay, maybe not The Devil, but a demon.  I just got a bad vibe.  He was probably only a few inches taller than me (and I’m 5’2 and a half, yes I am that height, so for those of you who do know me, no I am not taller, yes, it’s because my legs are long, but yeah, I’m on the shorter side for a woman).  Can we get back to the story now?

You get the picture.  No good I tell ya.  No good.  I had seen the girlfriend one time when she went down to get her laundry and she rudely did not hold the door open for me as I was going to my circus class, so I had to awkwardly follow her down the stairs, boring my eyes into her thinking, bitch.  Look guys, it’s just rude when people don’t hold the door open for you.  Sometimes, I even try when it’s that awkward distance. 😛

Let’s go to late summer 2017, I was watching (or trying) to watch The Prestige (have you ever seen that movie?  If you like magic or anything with magicians, I highly recommend it), and it was the first of what was to come with parties.  I live in an apartment building, not a dorm room and to be quite honest I never had noise issues when I lived in a dorm.  Surprising, I know.  This music was blasting to where my apartment shook and the singing…was HORRIBLE!! Ugh, imagine people trying to rap, because that’s all it was.  Eminem wannabes all the way.  I started to call the guy (in my mind) Marshall Mathers.  This party started around 10:30 pm and to be honest, I can’t remember the exact time it ended nor when I called my landlady, but it was late.  That was the first of many calls to my landlady, sadly.

There was another get-together a few weekends later that I had woken up to around 3 am from the hallway door slamming and you guessed it, they decided to blast shitty music.  This went on until about 6 am.  Mind you, my bedroom was right next to their living room wall.  Called my landlady again and then it went quiet from the Fall into Winter.  I found out (from my landlady) the couple broke up and now it was just the guy living there.  Hmm…maybe that’s why it’s been quiet.

It had been quiet.  Trust me, but in March 2018, it began again and this time, he got two more ladies along with the one who he was already chained to.

You see, my readers, 3G would go outside and smoke cigarettes.  Honestly, it was sad to me to see someone young being chained to that, but this gets darker.

In the beginning of March 2018, we had a snowstorm on a Tuesday night (yes, a Tuesday night, meaning a weeknight…so people usually have to work-whether at home or actually go out unless you’re a lucky bitch who gets snow days…but I ain’t trippin…)  I was woken up to voices around 11 pm and the smell of marijuana.  Mary Jane was his second girlfriend along with Ms. Cigs.  Mary Jane filled my bedroom and I was like hell no I do not pay rent to sleep in this cloud.  So I thought, let me be the one to go over there and say something before calling my landlady.  I had heard some people leave (unfortunately, 3G has cronies on the 1st floor of my building), so they went back downstairs and said they’d be back.  I thought the hell you are and here’s my chance.  I put on my robe and walked down the hallway in my doggy print pajamas (because I am a sexy 25 (soon to be 26 in July) woman) and I rang the doorbell.  3G opens his door and eyes were glazed as can be (more glazed than a glazed donut) and I had sussplained (explained) to him my bedroom is right over his living room wall and I’m trying to sleep.  He was happy I wasn’t  our landlady ringing his doorbell, because I won’t lie, she loves me, but picture The Trunchbull from Matilda,  so he “apologized” and then told me goodnight.  Of course, nothing changed, so who do I call?  You guessed it! My landlady.  All I thought was indeed, it shall be a goodnight.  I can hear the elevator and it’s like Pink’s song, Get the Party Started when she sings “I’m coming up so you better get this party started…” That’s right, 3G, our landlady is coming up so you bet your ass the party is just getting started…

I had found out from my landlady after that night 3G wasn’t just high on marijuana, but cocaine as well.  So Snow White was another lady friend of his I thought.  Well this wicked queen is going to put an end to all this shit.  In my reign and kingdom, 3G you are going down.  My lack of sleep and anxiety was horrible.  During that same night when my landlady broke up the party and kicked him and his friends out, I had heard my neighbor come back into his apartment for last minute items before leaving and he started to throw things and hit the wall that was against my bedroom. This was around 3 am.  I was terrified for my life thinking he’s going to either break into my wall or come to my front door.  Oh God, what do I do if he tries to break into my apartment?  I was shaking.  My body shook in my bed and I was frozen with my hands locked together in prayer position.  I eventually drifted off to sleep and had a vivid dream 3G did break into my apartment.  He was sitting in my bedroom.  I woke up in a panic.

I watched my back that week.  I was scared to leave my apartment.  I was terrified seeing his big, black, obnoxious truck in the parking lot knowing he was home.  The week after that, the night before St. Patrick’s Day, it was around 5:30 pm and he was singing so loud and blasting music in his living room.  As if it were a game being played.  After I had come home from my circus class later that same night, I saw those living room lights on when I drove in and said “Fuck!” to myself.  He did indeed have people over that night, but no music.  They left around 11 pm and I thought they were gone for good.  Of course not.  I was woken up AGAIN around 1 am.   They were so loud and obnoxious with their conversations.  His friends knew it was me too being their “enemy,” but in all fairness, before any of you reading pass judgment on me, the neighbors below him had complained too. I could hear them talk about not wanting to wake me up.  I was called a bitch many times in their conversations.   In the end, I felt flattered they felt threatened by me.

He never learned his lesson and had his cronies over one last time in the middle of April-well…guests that he invited.  I could hear them breaking up Snow White into tiny pieces (yes, that’s how thin my walls are) and all I thought was not again.  Fuck this.  So I called my landlady and I heard the comfort of the elevator coming up and then ding-dong! I then heard 3G’s voice say “What the fuuuckk?” Oh, if only you all had been there.  It was perfect timing like a movie since I was just ending their fun at the right moment.

I seriously thought that had been the end of it since my landlady told me she wouldn’t renew his lease and he’d be out July 1st.  I really did, but there had to be some final act.  I had anxiety all those weeks and weekends the rest of March and April, because I didn’t know if I’d be woken up and my sleep would be impacted.  Even during my circus showcase back in March I had anxiety the whole night (yes, I was nervous/excited for performing), but I was so anxious I’d see those fucking living room lights on when I got home since it was a Friday night.  Luckily, nothing did happen that night.

The last weekend in April, was another terrifying moment.  This time, he did not invite guests over, but two men showed up for him for what I’m guessing dealt with Mary Jane and/or (most likely) Snow White.  It was around 10-10:30 when I heard 3G leaving and talking to some people in the stairwell.  About an hour later, I was in my bedroom and heard two guys come out of the stairwell and run down the hallway.  There was a huge BOOM!!!! and my bedroom shook.  I then heard one cry out to 3G he better wake up and open up the door or they were going to break down his door.  I froze, I had no idea what to do.  I then heard Tweedle Dee to Tweedle Dum say he’d go upstairs to the roof and down the fire escape and try to break into the window, that way while Tweedle Dum would try to break down the door.  They were going to huff and puff and blow the whole apartment down.  Little Red Riding Hood reference, couldn’t help myself.  I quickly got up and turned my bedroom light off and ran into my kitchen.  Remember from the beginning of the story how my apartment is L-shaped?? Well, I peered out from my kitchen window blinds and to my surprise I saw not Santa Claus, but a young man climbing down the fire escape ladder that’s right in front of my bedroom windows.  I saw he hesitated (maybe realizing he wasn’t too sure now of who’s windows were who’s) and so he clambered back up the ladder.  Meanwhile, I was on the phone again with my landlady.  Unfortunately, by the time the damn elevator made it up, the bandits were gone.

And so, my dear readers, that’s the end.  The end of the adventure with 3G.  I’m happy to say since that scary night of a man trying to be Santa Claus, no other activity went on.  I would see 3G around, we’d even get home from work at the same time, but he’d wait for me to get into the building before he would make his way in.  I did have visions of maybe “accidentally” opening the door and Oh I’m sorry! Did I hit you? or Oh no…he fell down the stairs…jk, I’m jk!!!!

With the anger and annoyance I had towards 3G, there was a slight (I mean very slight) flicker of compassion.  When I’d see him out there smoking his cigarettes (and I almost hit him twice with my car, because officer I swear he jumped in front of my car, I wasn’t Cruella de Ville or one of the Weasels from Who Framed Roger Rabbit saying “I’m gonna ram him!”) I felt bad.  I felt bad for someone who depended on a flame that should’ve been inside of him for hope, but was on the end of a cigarette butt instead.  To have that chain and then to have the addiction to Mary Jane, Snow White, and drinking, is sad to me.  It may surprise you readers and even him, I prayed for him.  Once, once, let’s not get carried away.  But, I did say to God that I hope one day maybe he could clean up his act, but you just never know with the power those items have over someone.  Those were 3G’s idols.  He may learn the hard way, but at least he had someone who did look at him with compassion, for about 5 minutes, then I would look at my calendar and see how many days were left until his ass was out.  He was honestly quiet, when it wasn’t his idols and dumb ass friends that would change him.  He was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I wouldn’t have had an issue with him, but he chose to act like a little shit and well, he’s gone.

It’s July 1st.  I kept telling myself this was going to be a magical day.  The Queen banished 3G from the castle and the kingdom.  I am The Queen and do not mess with my beauty sleep.

End note: I do live in a very nice apartment building.  I am thankful for my landlady for helping me with this past year and it is a safe place to live along with a safe neighborhood.  Just sometimes, bad apples end up in castles, even when there’s a moat and drawbridge, they just find their way in.  Us Queens know how to clean house though. 😉

Work

Dear God,

I am back to those demons hanging around my head.  It’s work.  This time it’s only work. No more of that “Doctor” who made me feel like I was the crazy one. Who made me try those psyche pills, because I thought I’d be “happier.”  No, it’s not him.  Finally.  I got rid of him on a Saturday morning at 7 am.  This time, it’s just work.

The Devil knows exactly what he’s doing.  I’m struggling, God, I really am everyday.  I put on my acting face, but deep down I…I don’t know?  I feel confused.  My mood about work goes up, it goes down.  I need to get out of there.  I need to feel useful in society.  I don’t as of right now.  To me, the world would be a better place without me, but honestly, would it really? And that’s where you come in, Dear Lord.  Before, I’d go down, crashing down, believing the tricks the Devil would plant inside my mind.  Making me want to die, but you, you have changed me.  Your book has changed me.  I go down, but I quickly rise back up.  You tell me, it’s going to all be okay.  You, your Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Sigh…I don’t know if I can keep going with this job.  I need just a little bit of hope to get through each day.

In your divine timing, it’ll all work out.  Patience…I just need patience.

Let’s pray.

I Don’t Know

I feel like a failure.

We are told young we can be whatever we want.  A ballerina, an artist, a writer, even a clown (circus/entertainment kind, not the kind you are personally 😉 ).  But the balloon the clown blows up then pops once we hit that magic age of I don’t know.

I don’t know.  

i don’t know.

I use those words way too often.  I have no idea what direction I’m supposed to go in.  What guidance I can ask for, because I. Don’t. Know.  I guess it can be a good thing or a bad thing.  Like Glinda asks Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, “Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?” I don’t know, maybe some of you won’t get it.  I tried.

We have free will choice to do anything, but God, can’t you just help me?  I’m waving my white flag.  I give up.  I’m defeated.  I feel lost.  I’ve lost hope.  Where do I go?  Who can I go to?

Careers, man.  They suck.  Jobs suck.  Work sucks.  I don’t know who came up with you-need-to-decide-on-a-career-path-at-18-or-you-will-forever-hate-yourself way of thinking.  At least in this society I live in.  Or try to live in.  College.  Your answers are in college.  Nope.  Sorry.  Nu-uh…I’m still searching.  I’m not who I was in college, thank God, but I feel like some lost high school student.

Maybe God this was your way of keeping me from going even more down than I am right now.  Write. It. Out.

But what I do know…I suck at writing, but my creativity flows.

Attunement

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She gets done leading us to the divine light and let’s us go.  It’s our turn to follow it and go on a journey…

I hear in the background playing on her bluetooth speakers church-type music.  An organ, bells, and choir chanting what seemed like sounds or non-sensical words.  I just see the backs of my eyes.

I don’t know if I should be here.  I got in a fight with God last night and this morning.  I had a melt down.  Who even exists anymore?  Who am I talking with?  Who is with me in my home?  I feel calmness though, maybe I should just lie hear and listen to what you have to say or show me.

Now I see a very bright white light.  There’s a church with clouds.  Like a church you’d find in Heaven.  Maybe it’s the music playing in the background.  I keep seeing the mental and emotional symbol of Reiki throughout my attunement.  Maybe it just resonates the most with me.  I see white clouds engulfing around the whole church.  Pews are on the sides of me along with bright light coming in from the stained-glass windows.  I see the altar at the front and a man in a white robe standing before it.  He has long, black, curlier hair with a long black beard.  He turns around and is young, early-30s.  He smiles at me as if expecting me.  “Come on!  Come on, Megan!  My dad’s right here!” and as he says this I look to my left by the altar and see a cloud.  I can tell there’s two presences there, but they seem to mesh into one at some points.  Jesus says, “You don’t need anyone to talk to us or them,” and points over to the pews on the side of the altar.  I see the beloved I have been wanting to be in contact with, hoping it were true it was them from before coming through, but now, I don’t know.  From reading, I’m not quite sure anymore who it was that spoke to me the last 3 years, but it doesn’t matter anymore.  They wave to me and smile.  I hear them telepathically say, “We’re right here! Just talk to us.  No need to go through someone else.”  This had been bothering me and now I got my clear answer.  A wave of relief and happiness washes over my physical body during this dream-like, trance-like state of mind.  I almost cry, but hold back the tears behind my closed eyes.

I turn towards God and the Holy Spirit.  “What about my cards?” I ask accusingly.  I hear in a deep voice from the left as the Holy Spirit, “Keep them.”  As simple as that.  Then God answers, “It’s how they listen to me anyways.

I hold back tears again, because it’s such a powerful vision of what is going on through my attunement.  I bask in this place for some more and then am transferred back and open my eyes.

During my practice session, it wasn’t over yet.  Right towards the end of receiving distance healing, Jesus came into my vision behind my closed eyes.  It was his agony face you’d see from The Stations of the Cross.  Either him carrying the cross or during his Crucifixion.  It was his agonized face with a crown of thorns on top of his head.

Contemporary-Christianity

I can still see it all in my mind.  I feel different as of today and am glad of it.  I don’t feel a weight of heaviness anymore.  Maybe Jesus came to take away my pain, because he endured it as well and thought he could help heal me.  I think he also wanted to show he is my spirit guide.

A day after the attunement, I happened to search for the music that was playing in the background.  I now realize that wasn’t nonsense being chanted.  It was the mental and emotional symbol being chanted, because I found the song.  That is why it showed itself to me during my vision.

*Sugar Low’s note: This is a true experience from receiving my Reiki II attunement on Sunday, February 25, 2018.  I was guided to share this beautiful and inspirational story with my readers.

 

Nightmare

Sometimes I have this reoccurring nightmare.  Luckily, it hasn’t been of late, but I don’t want to conjure her up.  You see, I think if I write this out, she won’t get to me anymore.  I sure hope not.  Who knows, maybe she was a demon inside of me just trying to stir up trouble…

woman in black

It started with an attic.  The staircase is long and I’m looking up it.  Old, wooden staircase leading me up to her.  I peer up through the door and I can see her back.  Long black dress and black veil covering her hair.  My sleeping body feels the nervousness as if she’s really there and not in my dream.  She’s a ghost; that I can tell. I get the call in my body to start going up the stairs to face her.  I start going up the creaky staircase and she turns around suddenly as if she sensed my presence.  She has a pale, ghostly-white face and eyes that are pitch black.  She stares at me and I stare back at her.  I get to the top of the staircase and she screams at me. I wake up.

*Another night months later…

I’m going up to what I assume is the top of a building, but there’s an actual bedroom.  I walk in and you guessed it, she’s there.  There’s another woman and I see a male spirit (who I can’t make out) in the room with me.  The other woman is on the bed.  I walk over to her as if to save her, but it’s my ghost woman.  She laughs at me and I turn away, but a fire starts in the room.  The ceiling is starting to collapse.  I see these weird animal-like creatures dressed in nurse and doctor uniforms attending to the woman on the bed.  There’s piping above us that starts to fall and I climb up onto it as she follows me-the other woman still in the bed.  Flames are starting to encompass us and the bedroom starts to dissolve.  The male spirit is crawling on the other side as if to attack her from the back.  I feel my eyes shoot this power and see her engulfed by flames.  She stares at me as she burns away and opens her mouth to scream, but no noise comes out.

I wake up.  I haven’t had her in my dreams since.

I Know Why the Jail Bird Sings

I dedicate this to you, A. ❤

humming-bird-in-a-cage

I watch and listen to this bird in its little bird cage every morning.  Singing even in a cage.  Even though it is locked up to where it cannot spread its wings and soar through the air.  Singing, caged up as if it were happy.  As if nothing were keeping it locked in place.

I found out that night about Him.  He was my friend.  My music teacher.  News spread like fire.  He had found the wrong woman.  A woman who had a wickedness about her.  Hate lived within her and it was enough to ruin someone’s life. To destroy it.   There were rumors of course.  He did this.  She did that.  He said, she said.  The unfortunate game of back and forth.  But I knew Him and I knew the story.  Unfortunately, how much I knew of Him did nothing to help Him get locked away.

As I watched my little bird in its cage, I remembered how all He ever wanted was for everyone to just get along and to love music.  He took me on many magical adventures.  One specific memory was when He had taken me to an inn and the innkeeper was speaking to Him through the window next to the door.  After a few minutes of pleasant chatting, He had asked the innkeeper if we could keep this conversation going if he would just let us in the door since the evening air was starting to get to us.  The innkeeper had laughed at himself and said how the door was open the whole time! We laughed at such silliness!  That same night, He also snuck me into a barroom down the road and I felt so devilish, but had such good fun with everyone that night.  Not only from the spirits in our system, but just from the high vibration of how He would make everyone feel good.

My eyes started tearing up and the bird looked at me.  He taught me how to play instruments I never thought I’d play in my lifetime.  The organ and harp were the two I will always associate with Him.  I remember the harp was my favorite out of the two and He let me play by myself for an hour while He went to teach a lesson. When He came back, I was so proud for teaching myself a song I had to play it for Him.  The proud look on His face when I was done!

All He ever wanted was to spread the music of joy to everyone.  To not only educate in the mind, but to feel it in the soul.

That next morning, after He was officially thrown in His cage, I had to let my bird go.  I opened the cage and the bird looked at me.  Go! I said. The bird chirped a thank you and flapped its tiny wings.  Out into the morning sun it flew.

I know why the jail bird sings in His cage.  He may have lost to Her, but He sings, because the light has not been snuffed out of His soul yet.  Yes, A, there is still a possibility for You.  I am a believer in You.  Don’t let the music die out.

Once You have unlocked that cage, harmony will follow You and just follow the melodic road that awaits You.